Welcome everyone to our very first guest interview! Today, we have the great pleasure of chatting with our very own SEO wizard, Brutus the Belligerent Beaver.
He’s the proud author of over two books. Currently, his new book entitled “Dam it Bobby! The Chilling True Story of a Pond Gone Mad“, just peaked at number fourteen on some list that beavers care about.
Known for his quick wit and unconventional people skills; many have called his musings “Truly Uninspired Garbage“. Others have said his writing is nothing but a “Train Wreck from Start to Finish“, or they ask such honest questions as “Is This Dude for Real?” or “Wow…Just Wow…“
Andrew: Hello and welcome to the show!
Brutus: …
Andrew: …
Brutus: …I don’t like you.
Andrew: …
Brutus :…
Andrew: Anyway, so is it true that you know lots of words?
Brutus: What’s that supposed to mean?
Andrew: Never mind. I just figured since you were in charge of SEO for this site you might know some words is all.
Brutus: You’re stupid.
Andrew: That’s not nice to say to people.
Brutus: Okay fine, if you’re so curious about it, here are some words for you…
Andrew: NO! No no no. I think I see where this is going—let’s just move on.
Brutus: Are your interviews always this riveting?
Andrew: You’re a hostile little creature aren’t you?
Brutus: Only when I have to deal with stupid and ugly people.
Andrew: …I’m not ugly…
Brutus: You look like a baboon’s butt. And not the good kind either.
Andrew: What…what does that even mean?
Brutus: It means you’re a stupid interviewer and you’re face is stupid.
Andrew: You sure use the word stupid a lot, don’t you know any other words?
Brutus: Yeah well I accidentally ate my thesaurus last week. I got hungry. You know how it is.
Andrew: No, no I really don’t.
Brutus: Whatever.
It was at this point in the interview, that I began to realize I might have underestimated just how foul of a mood this particular rodent was in. I certainly hoped he wasn’t always this unpleasant. So I did what I thought best; I tried to lighten the mood in the room with some good-natured banter.
Andrew: So hey, I was just thinking about something that I think you might find hilarious. Check it out. When a tree is standing up, you chop it down right?
Brutus: …Where are you going with this?
Andrew: But when a tree has fallen down, you chop it up! Get it? You chop a tree up when it’s down, and you chop it down when it’s up!
Brutus: You think that’s funny to me, just because I’m a beaver and I chop down trees? Wow, you’re lame.
Andrew: Well, I just…you know…trees.
Brutus: Well stated. Idiot. It’s a wonder you’re able to put your pants on in the morning.
Andrew: I have help.
Brutus: That doesn’t surprise me.
Andrew: From your girlfriend…
Brutus: Alright, that’s it! I hope you like pain because I’m about to beat your lily white—
Andrew: Woah there home fry! What’s with all the hostility?
Brutus: I don’t want to talk to you no more!
Andrew: But I still need to ask you about your book. Who’s Bobby and what did he do?
Brutus: Oh I’ll tell you alright, but first do you want to hear a joke?
Andrew: Not really.
Brutus: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a duck?
Andrew: …And that’s all the time we have today folks! Have a great rest of your day and we’ll see you next time with a new and hopefully less confrontational guest.
